The Trees and The Grass - The True Story of Christmas

It was dark. It was cold.

   The People Of The Trees were sitting on the ground around the fire. They huddled closely together, roasting their fronts while their arses were freezing. Beyond the edge of the light cast outwards by the fire the darkness was impenetrable, and in the distance unidentified things screamed in the night as they either killed or died. A hushed murmur flowed to and fro around the fire as the people exchanged small talk.

   One fella in a seemingly central position cleared his throat emphatically. There was a pair of deer antlers tied to his head with bits of string. It sat slightly askewif.

   ‘Heeuurrraaagh heeeuuurrrggh.’

   He turned his head away from the fire and surreptitiously spat out a blob of green phlegm. It hit the trunk of a tree and stuck to it, very slowly sliding towards the ground. The murmur died down as the people turned their eyes towards him.

   ‘All right, boys and girls, we all know what time of year it is.’

   Several pairs of eyes shiftily looked towards the trees that surrounded them in the dark. They looked in the direction where the sun had gone down a while ago, and towards the other side where it would rise again in the morning. They nodded thoughtfully. Yes, they knew what time of year it was. The speaker continued demagogically.

   ‘So, who can tell me exactly what time of year it is?’

   He looked around the ring of faces expectantly. Several of the people inspected their fingernails. Others scratched their arses and picked their ears. One bloke hesitantly stuck up his hand.

   ‘Yes, Gargar, go on, tell us.’ The speaker nodded encouragingly at him and gave him a big bright smile.

   ‘Er ... it’s dark?’ Gargar ventured. The speaker’s smile became a little strained but held.

   ‘Yes, very good Gargar. Anyone else?’ He cast his beady eye around the circle in what he thought was a fatherly manner. It made him look slightly cockeyed.

   There was a round of miscellaneous coughing and clearing of throats. Several faces turned skywards and admired the stars while appearing to whistle under their breath. The speaker sighed and rolled his eyes.

   'Come on,' he said, getting impatient, 'anyone?'

   'Uh ...' a fat bloke across from the fire raised his hand tentatively.

   'Yes, Uru?' The speaker drew his lips back in what he thought was a winning fashion. It revealed his five mangled teeth.

   'Uh ... it's cold?' Uru suggested, going slightly red around the ears.

   The crowd gasped with a collective intake of breath. This was really getting close to the matter now. Surely this answer was going to hit home hard.

   'Ah, well done, well done, Uru ...' The speaker grimaced painfully. 'Yes, well that's definitely getting closer to it.' He glared around the circle of grimy faces. 'Anyone else care to take this just a bit further?'

   Silence filled with muffled whispering, shuffling of feet and picking at toenails. Several people drilled their fingers into their left ears and inspected the quality of their earwax.

   A woman dressed in a mottled animal skin slowly lifted up her hand to shoulder height. She nervously glanced from side to side to two other women beside her, who nodded encouragingly, while at the same time shuffling backwards and putting a noticeable amount of fresh space between themselves and her.

   She nervously looked over her shoulder to the gap between the trees where the sunrise would happen, then scratched a scab on her cheek, stuck a strand of hair in her mouth and started sucking on it.

   'Uh ...' she began.

   'Yeah, go on Ulla, you know you want to.' The speaker beamed at her with manic if slightly contrived goodwill.

   'Weeeelll ...' Ulla began.

   'Yeeeees?'

   'Uh, it's cold ... and it's dark?' Ulla volunteered with a trembling bottom lip.

   The gathering went deadly quiet. Someone at the back of the group farted, a long, drawn-out strangled sound. No one said a thing.

   The speaker went glassy-eyed. He rolled his eyes up to the black night sky, took a big deep breath, clenched his teeth, closed his eyes and started, very slowly, to count to ten under his breath. After "3" he stopped, opened one eye, and continued counting on his fingers. The frosty night air was silent, except for the audible grinding of the speaker's teeth. Then he sighed deeply, and slouched forward a bit, his shoulders rolling in.

   'All right, yous mob, do you want me to tell you?' he said, restraining himself with superhuman effort.

   Relief flooded off the gathered people like an avalanche off a snow-packed slope in the middle of wintertime. Eyes peered cautiously out from behind hands covering faces. There was frantic nodding all around.

   The speaker took a deep breath, and looked at his audience. He lifted up his arms. Those closest to him instinctively flinched and leaned backwards.

   'Yes, it's cold ... and it's dark ... yous are dead right there ...' A ripple of excitement moved through the crowd, with a lot of elbow nudging and vigorous nodding along the lines of "I told you so".

   '... and so, therefore, we have to do what we all know needs to happen ...' Here faces fell and eyes turned back towards the ground.

   '... to make sure it doesn't stay that way!' His voice rose higher.

   The crowd mumbled a chorus of consent.

   'Ah yeah.'

   'Right.'

   'Ah fort so.'

   'Whad'he say?'

   'Shh! You gotta listen! He said "stay away"'

   'Oh. Why?'

   'Who farted?'

   The speaker rolled his eyes again, and let out a deep sigh through clenched teeth. He scrunched up his eyebrows and looked up at the sky. His deer antlers slipped sideways.

   'Quiet!' he snapped.

   'Rhubarbrhubar ... eeww.' The noise of the crowd died down like a flat tyre expelling its last bit of air.

   'So that's why ...' the speaker looked around the circle sternly, '... we're gonna do something!' He pushed his antlers back upright. They slipped sideways again.

   'Yeah!'

   'Right!'

   'What'd he say?'

   'He said we're gonna sing – shh!'

   'It really stinks!'

   The speaker stood up in one smooth, well-practised movement, born from a lifetime of physical activity in the healthy outdoors and fresh air. His loincloth sagged halfway down his arse. He hitched it up with one hand, with the other pushed his deer antlers back into place, and then rubbed his back where it was sore. It always put his back out, standing up quickly like that, but, he thought, it made him look good, especially in the glow of the firelight. Making a powerful expression was half the trick, he knew.

   'Right, so ...' He pointed at Gargar, Uru and several other blokes, 'You, you, you, yous mob and all of yous mob ... yous all come with me.'

   The blokes exchanged doubtful glances.

   'And you,' he said, indicating Ulla and her girlfriends, now so far behind her they could barely be seen in the light of the fire, 'yous go and get "the gear"' ‒ here he made two signs in the air with the two first fingers of both his hands, curling both sets of fingers simultaneously a couple of times, a very ancient and international item of sign language that indicates "the-thing-that-we-all-know-about-but-we-won't-say-what-it-is" ‒ and meet us back over there at You-Know-Where.' He jerked his head meaningfully in the direction where the sun would rise between the trees, and wriggled his eyebrows. His deer antlers slipped sideways again, got stuck on his right ear, hung precariously in the balance for a heartbeat and then fell off.

   'Uh ... right, yes, that's right,' Ulla said uncertainly, 'yeah ... come on, girls.' She glared at the women behind her, daring them to refuse. They examined their fingernails again, and inspected their toes.

   The speaker scowled, picked up his deer antlers and plonked them back down on his head. He winced.

   'All right, let's go. Everyone else stay here and wait, and get ready.'

   A palpable wave of relief washed off the rest of the crowd.

   'Yeah!'

   'Sure!'

   'Whatever you say!'

   'What?'

   'He said "get Eddy"'

   'Who's Eddy?'

   'I don't know, who cares.'

   'That was you wasn't it? You dirty bastard! What did you eat? You smell like you're half dead insi‒'

'Quiet!' The speaker glared around him at the people around the fire. They fell silent. 'Yous all know what we usually do. But this year ...' here he leered suggestively and wriggled his eyebrows in a disturbing fashion, '... this year we're gonna do something a bit more different.'

              

 

Not long afterwards the Deer Man was skulking through the forest, followed by the other blokes. They could vaguely make out the horns on his head. He was getting stuck a lot in low-hanging branches.

   He stopped and turned to the blokes behind him, putting a finger to his lips.

   'Shhh!'

   They shshed.

   He pointed conspiratorially over his shoulder towards where the trees noticeably got thinner, and eventually finished.

   'We're here,' he said, unnecessarily.

   The blokes nodded gloomily. They knew. They knew full well where they were.

   Ahead of them the tree line came to an abrupt end, the trees and understorey of the forest giving way to open country. Long stalks of grass covered the area, shining silver in the light of the full moon. Here and there low-sitting stumps could be seen, where trees had been cut down.

   And beyond that, across to the other edge of the clearing, sat a huddle of structures. Black shapes in the moonlight, angled this way and that. Roofs designed to keep the rain and wind out, sitting on top of low, sloping walls. Even at this distance a low drone of snoring could be heard.

   'Right,' hissed Deer Man, elbowing the bloke nearest to him, 'we're going in. It's the structure the furthest on the right hand side.'

   This was met by a mute chorus of manic head-nodding from the others. No one could see it in the dark.

   'And remember, be quiet. And,' Deer Man added as an afterthought, 'there'll probably be a guard there somewhere.'

   There was. A lone bloke sat slumped over by a dead fire in front of the first structure, a spear across his lap, chin on his chest and snoring powerfully. Deer Man elbowed the bloke nearest to him again.

   'Ow! Stop doing that!' Gargar hissed through clenched teeth.

   'Sorry.' Deer Man had the good grace to look sheepish, which is no mean feat for someone dressed up like a deer. 'Now get that guard.'

   Gargar and Uru sneaked forwards up to the guard, fast asleep. With a quick, snake-like movement Gargar wrapped his arm around the guard's neck and put his other hand over his mouth, while Uru grabbed the bloke's arms.

   They needn't have bothered. There was no response, other than a slight change in pitch in the snoring.

   'Quick, hold him!' Gargar whispered.

   'I am, I am! Hurry up! Get on with it!'

   Gargar fumbled with something in the dark, then performed a complicated manoeuvre around the guard's head and wrists.

   'All right, that'll do. Lay him on the ground now.' Gargar whispered.

   Uru put the guard on the ground. He didn't move. The snoring continued in a strongly muffled way.

   'What 'd you do to him?' Uru wanted to know.

   'I've tied his wrists together behind his back.'

   'What about his mouth? Won't he call out?'

   'No.'

   'Why not?'

   'Cos I've stuck my loincloth in his mouth.'

   'Ah.' Uru looked at his mate, and then looked down. 'I see.'

   'It's better if you don't.'

   'I fully agree.' Uru looked his mate in the face again. 'What if he wakes up?'

   'He's gonna wish he hadn't. Now let's go.'

   Gargar beckoned to Deer Man and the others, who sneaked over.

   'All right,' Deer Man said, 'Here we go.'

   The first structure was quiet, apart from a steady chorus of snoring that lightly shook the walls. They were pretty thin, with lots of gaps and holes. There was one part of the wall that looked like it didn't belong there. It was tied to the rest of it with string and pieces of smelly leather.

   Deer Man crawled up to it, grabbed one side of it and pulled on it. It gave way under his hands, and moved sideways with a moaning sound, but, mysteriously, failed to fall on the ground.

   'Eeeeeeeeaaaaaarrrrrrrrrccccckkkkk.'

   Gargar took a step back involuntarily. 'What's this?' he hissed, panic beneath his breath, 'some sort of dark magic?'

   Deer Man rolled his eyes. 'No, this is what they call "A Door". It's what they use for getting through their walls.'

   'Seriously? How ...'

   'Never mind that now. Follow me.'

   Three of them tiptoed into the structure. In one corner lay a whole stack of dead grass piled up, all more or less cut the same length. It seemed that a heap of grass seeds had fallen out of their husks onto the ground. There were bodies strewn hither and tither all over the dirt floor, in various stages of entanglement, under and among animal skins. It stank to high heaven. Gargar wrinkled his nose. 'Bloody hell,' he muttered to Uru, 'they don't half stink this mob.'

   Deer Man whipped his head around. 'Be quiet, you idiot!' he hissed through gritted teeth. 'They'll wake up!'

   Gargar shut up and went red in the face. Uru smirked.

   Deer Man snuck around the heap of bodies piled up together, here and there lifting up hides and judiciously peaking underneath loincloths. Eventually he seemed to have found what he was looking for. He beckoned urgently to the other two.

   'Here, this one.' He pointed down at a shapeless blob on the ground. 'Pick it up.'

   Gargar and Uru bent themselves over the blob, gathered it up between them, one on each side, and proceeded to manhandle it back out of the structure. There was a moment of intense confusion when they got to the doorway, and did a seven-point turn trying to get out while holding the package sideways. Eventually Deer Man sidled over, snarled at them, hit Gargar over the head with the flat of his hand, then steered it straight till they managed to get out. Deer Man shut the door.

   'Eeeeeeaaaaaaarrrrrccccckkkk.'

   Back in the moonlight outside the structure Uru let go of the breath he'd been holding the whole time they had been inside. How could people sleep in a stench like that. He felt fit to faint.

   The other blokes were waiting for them by the trussed-up guard and his dead fire. They turned towards the other three with a mix of dread and apprehension. Deer Man gave them the thumbs up, another very ancient and international item of sign language. It was widely held to mean "do what I say or I'll have your knackers for breakfast". The other blokes blanched, but didn't say anything. Deer Man in the lead, they disappeared back across the clearing with the silvery long grass, towards the edge of the forest.

 

Hanghang fumbled with his loincloth at the edge of The Pit. It was always the same when he'd partaken of Grass Seed Water: he'd wake up in the middle of the night busting for a piss. And with a headache. Come to think of it, he reflected, ever since they'd discovered that soaking old grass seeds in water for a long enough time made the water taste a bit like honey, especially if you added honey, he hadn't had a decent night's sleep. He yawned and scratched his knackers, while his tackle did its business. Half asleep his eyes wandered idly over the clearing where they'd cut down all the trees to make room for their Special Grass. His heart glowed with pride at The Excellent Work Well Done swinging stone axes into rock-hard wood and digging out stumps with sharp sticks, although, it was fair to say, that warm and cosy glow didn't extend to his lower back, which was killing him. A bit more every time he swung an axe.

   Lazily he thought he spied something out of the corner of his left eye. He did a cruisy double-take, out of vague and disengaged interest, and jumped with a start. He lost control of his tackle and pissed all over his legs and his brand new loincloth. Bugger! He'd only been wearing it for six months! What was that?

   In alarm he put his thing away, hitched up his loincloth, and spun around. There! There were figures running fast across the clearing in the moonlight! Running away from their living places. No one ever ran away, they only ran towards them, usually when they were being chased by things that were trying to eat them, and most often screaming their guts out at the same time. Sometimes they made it back in one piece, and were able to hide inside the structures, keeping the would-be eating things outside, and hiding till they slunk off with empty stomachs.

   A lot of the time they didn't.

   When that happened The People of The Grass had lots of fresh meat for a while, although it was usually mangled up, smelled a bit feral and had had a name attached to it. But meat was a rare treat and wasn't to be sneezed at. At any rate it made for a nice change from dry grass seeds, and things made from them, like Grass Seed Flat Stuff, Grass Seed Lumpy Stuff, and Grass Seed Soggy Stuff. He had often felt that his people were a bit less than imaginative when it came to naming their various food staples, and had frequently brought this up in discussions, usually under the encouragement of Grass Seed Water, but he always got shouted down. He didn't mind overly much, as long as there was ample Grass Seed Water to swallow it down with and forget about it. Preferably with honey.

   He turned and ran, starting to shout at the top of his voice.

   'Hey! You! Come back here! What are yous doing! Hey! Heeeeeyyy!'

   He sprinted all the way back from the The Pit where he'd been doing his business, which was a bit away from the living structures, but not too much, in case the would-be-eating things came and had a go at you when you were pre-occupied with your bladder and bowels, and skidded to a halt in front of the first structure. He was sure he'd seen the intruders near there somewhere.

   'Hey! Wake up! Wake up!' He reefed the door open, stepped inside and tripped over the first pair of legs in his way. He fell over and landed with his face in someone's arse. The person opened one eye, looked at him, and farted, languorously and with feeling.

   Hanghang pulled his head back and shook it violently from side to side. He was going to need a fair amount of Grass Seed Water to forget about that one, he thought with one corner of his brain.

   With all the rest of his brain he shouted at the people inside.

   'Quick, wake up! We've been attacked!'

   Sleepy and bedraggled faces poked up here and there from out of the mess of animal hides, grass stalks and loincloths.

   'Wha ... what?' said one woman, rubbing her eyes and shaking her head. 'What are you going on about?'

   'What's your problem, arsehole,' growled a bloke with a black beard, and aimed a punch at his head.

   Hanghang ducked. The punch sailed harmlessly over his head and hit the woman squarely in the face, much less harmlessly. 'Ouch! Dickhead! Watch what you're doing!' She lashed out and fetched the bloke with the beard a wallop under the ear. He fell over backwards in a tangle of legs, loincloths, and, especially, an abundance of lack of loincloth.

   'Stop it!' Hanghang shouted. 'Those bastards were here, they came and took something of ours from here!'

   Those bastards. Everyone knew what that meant. Those awake now sat up and stopped pushing, shoving and punching each other. They stared at him with open mouths.

   'You mean ...' began the woman, whose name was Ashansha.

   'Yes! Those feral mongrels from the forest! Those ...' Hanghang shuddered at the thought, '... those animals.'

   A shocked silence fell over the people inside of the living place. They all knew that those others were around, sneaking through the trees getting up to no good, and they all threw rocks and sticks at them whenever they came across any of them, but no one had ever thought they would be so bold as to come close to their living structures, let alone inside of them.

   'So ...' Hanghang took a deep breath, trying to stay calm, 'is anything missing?'

   Before he'd fully gotten the words out a blood curdling scream rent the air.

   'Aaaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhh!'Shoonga!!!!'

   All heads turned in the direction of the scream. There a youngish woman sat up, pointing at an empty space next to her with one hand, and holding her head with her other hand.

   'Shoonga! Shoonga is gone!'

   The group stared at the empty space. Realisation hit Hanghang between the eyes like a particularly overcooked bit of Grass Seed Lumpy Stuff, black charcoal all around, or, even worse, like the morning after a big night on the Grass Seed Water.

   'He jumped to his feet and hit his head on the low roof.

   'Ow! Bloody he‒ ... I mean, that's it, I saw them carry something big, fat and lumpy ...' He caught the look in the eye of the woman who had screamed. 'Uh ... something long and slender, huhum ... yes.' He rallied. 'They've stolen Shoonga!'

   Pandemonium broke out again, with the group alternatively screaming, crying and cursing at cross-purposes. Hanghang raised his voice again and shouted over the top of it all.

   'They've got Shoonga! We've got to go after them and get her back! Come on! Quick, run!'

   He didn't stop to see if they were following, but bolted outside, picked up an axe on a bit of wood and another long stick with one sharp end, and started running across the clearing, still bathing in moonlight. A heap of noise behind him told him others were following. A quick glance over his shoulder showed several men and women, holding various implements of mass destruction, all trailing behind him and picking up speed.

 

Deer Man and his troop ran through the forest, their package slung over Gargar's shoulders. Deer Man looked over his own shoulder, down into the clearing. He saw the People Of The Grass spill out of their living structures and start running towards the edge of the forest.

   'Quick! They've seen us, and they're coming after us! Run faster!'

   They redoubled their efforts and flew between the trees. They knew where they were going.

 

The group of the People Of The Grass sped across the clearing, Hanghang in the lead. They slowed down when they reached the edge of the forest, awkward and unsure, and hesitated. Instinct and deeply ingrained life-long habit started to assert themselves. The forest was Dark and Dangerous, the place where evil, unknown things lurked, ready to pounce and visit carnage upon them. Several of them looked over their shoulders anxiously, towards the safety and security of the open space behind them. Hanghang rolled his eyes and swore under his breath.

   'Come on! It's only trees! They won't hurt us!' he yelled at them.

   'Yes, but ...' the bloke with the black beard, known as Fifung, began, 'we don't know where they're going ...'

   'They're going into the forest, what's it look like, you idiot?' spat Hanghang.

   'Yeah ...' growled Fifung, and glared at the other bloke, 'no kidding. And how do we know where we're going to be going?'

   'We follow them, they're just in front of us, look, we can see them, for fuck's sake,' snarled Hanghang, 'but we won't for much longer if we don't get our arse into gear. So run, you moron!'

   Fifung glowered at that, opened his mouth to start arguing, but thought better of it and snapped it shut again. He grunted, took a deep breath and started running again. The group followed suit. Ahead of them the shapes of the other group were growing indistinct in the gloom, shadows flitting through the night, flashing in and out of scattered rays of moonlight, falling through gaps in the trees.

   They ran on.

 

Deep in the forest was a clearing. No one remembered how it came to be there. A creek ran around the edge of it, and several of the tracks habitually used by The People converged there, for no reason known to anyone. The ground was rocky, the leaf litter and moss found elsewhere giving way to grass growing sparsely over slabs of flat rock and around boulders strewn around here and there.

   At some point in time The People had busied themselves shifting some of the larger boulders, and getting them to stand upright. Eventually they had had the luminous idea to arrange them in a big circle, more or less following the outline of the clearing. None of them quite remembered why they had bothered, but they had a vague recollection that it had seemed like a good idea at the time, they had been sitting around bored for a fair while with nothing better to do, and Deer Man had been very persuasive, as well as loud and annoying. They'd shrugged and gotten on with it, and had quite enjoyed the exercise, afterwards decorating the stones with pictures of dicks and tits, images of their hands and feet, and, in quite large numbers, caricatures of Deer Man, giving him long spindly arms and legs, a huge fat head, and a tiny little dick. They had rolled over the ground in stitches at that. Deer Man had been less than impressed, but that was his problem.

   Deer Man had said that a circle was good, because it was a picture of the face of the sun on the ground, and that's what they wanted, because when the sun shone on the ground everything was warm and nice. They had shrugged, and agreed. He had a point.

   Ulla and her women friends were now bustling around in the centre of the circle, organising things for The Event. They moved baskets containing miscellaneous stuff towards the middle of the circle, where a long, low slab of rock sat. Ulla yawned. It had been a long night, which, she reflected, was rather the whole point of the thing. She was looking forward to getting on with it. She glanced over her shoulder. There, framed between two of the upright boulders, was a bit of a gap between the trees. Above the canopy the night sky was starting to grow lighter, just barely noticeably so, just a bit of a fraying of the black into a lighter shade of dark blue, with hints of dark red around the edges. Dawn was not going to be far off now.

 

Charging through the undergrowth like an auroch with a thorn in its eye, mad and blind and crashing everything in its way underfoot, the group of The People following Deer Man rushed up the low slope leading up to the circle of boulders and burst through the gap facing the spot where the sun would be rising shortly.

   'Quick, Gargar,' panted Deer Man, out of breath, 'take her to the others.' He waved vaguely in the direction of Ulla and the other women in the centre of the circle, who had stopped what they were doing and now stood and looked at them expectantly. Gargar hurried over.

   'Everyone else,' he swung his arm around expansively, taking in the rest of the group, standing around heaving and gasping for breath, 'get ready to fight those mongrels that are coming after us.' He put his hands on his knees and leaned forwards, breathing heavily. There were black dots dancing before his eyes. He thought he recognised one or two of them, from a night spent not long ago trying to explore exactly what one of Ulla's women friends was hiding under her animal skin. She had hit him, hard.

   Gargar dropped his charge on the ground at the feet of Ulla and the others. The package was kicking and bucking, and muffled screams and abuse came from within. He made a broad sweeping gesture over it.

   'There yous go. Go for your life.' He exhaled heavily. 'Bloody hell, she's heavy.' Ulla gave him an appraising glance, up and down, and smiled invitingly at him. He blinked and swallowed. She dropped one shoulder of her animal skin, exposing a bit of skin. It was covered in mud and scratches. He stared at her. She lifted up the bottom edge of her animal skin and exposed her thighs. They were covered in mud, scratches and blueberry juice. He licked his lips at the prospect.

   'Yeah ... uh ...' he said, and scratched his left armpit, 'will be back for that.' He pointed over his shoulder where his mates were getting a supply of sharp sticks and heavy rocks ready. 'Gotta go now.' He grinned.

   Ula grinned back, then picked a booger out of her nose and ate it.

   'All right. Good luck.'

   He spun on his heel and ran back to his mates. Ulla watched his lack of loincloth for a while with a keen eye, then turned back to her friends. 'All right, let's get this show on the road. Let's start by unwrapping her.'

   They pulled the animal skin away, unwrapping the girl inside, then ducked as she rose up like a crocodile from the water and started lashing out with her fists left and right, screaming abuse. Ulla ducked, and the lot of them jumped on top of her, elbows and punches flying everywhere.

   'Let me go, yous bitches!' screamed Shoonga through the black stumps of three rotten teeth. She aimed a wild swing at one of them, and missed. 'I hate yous! Animals! Help! Help!'

   Ulla grabbed her from behind and pinned her arms to the side. Noona, one of her mates, kicked Shoonga's legs out from underneath her, and grabbed her feet. 'Quick, yous mob!' she shouted, 'Grab her legs! Now heave!'

   They heaved. They lifted. They moaned. They strained.

   'Bloody hell,' grunted Noona, 'what a fat cow!' This earned her a renewed bout of screaming from Shoonga, and an elbow in the ear. Noona winced, and squeezed harder.

   Eventually they managed to restrain Shoonga, and wrestled her on top of the long, flat slab of stone in the middle of the circle. They put rope around her wrists, arms, hips, legs and feet, and tied her down. The women stood back and exhaled heavily with relief. Ulla rubbed a bruise on her arm that was turning purple rapidly.

   'Right, now let's ...' she began.

   'Let me go yous murdering bitches! I hate yous!!' Shoonga screamed.

   'Now, don't be ...' Ulla tried.

   'I'm gonna fucking kill yous! I'll cut your throat!!'

   'Let's just be reas‒'

   'I'm gonna rip your guts out through your ears and make Grass Seed Soggy Stuff out of them! Let me gooooo!' The shrieks rose to eardrum-piercing level.

   'Right, I've had enough of this,' said Ulla.

   'Yeah? Oh yeah? You've had enough of this? You are kidding me! You're insane, you mad bitch! Let me go!'

   Ulla stuck her hand out to Noona. 'Pass me your loincloth.' Noona obligingly took it off and handed it to her.

   'I will suck your eyes out and feed them to the pigs!' Shoonga hollered, mouth wide open. A stench of something rotting came wafting out of it.

   'I will ...'

   'You will shut up,' said Ulla, and shoved the loincloth deep inside of Shoonga's mouth. Immediately the quality of the air improved.

   'Hnngghnnnggffffrrrsshh!!!'

   'Yeah, I thought you might say that,' said Ulla, and gave her a sweet smile. She patted the forehead of the fat woman on the slab, struggling frantically. 'Now, you be quiet while we sort you out.' She looked up. 'What are those blokes up to now?'

   Good question. Right at that instant the People Of The Grass came bursting from the forest cover at the edge of the ring of boulders, and, screaming promises of inventive and creative violence and destruction, hurled themselves upon the blokes of the People Of The Forest.

   Above the tree tops the sky took on a wispy reddish-orange colour, and light began to spill into the world. Hints of dark golden yellow filtering through the trees suggested sun-ishness.

   Gargar ducked underneath a massive haymaker aimed at him by Fifung with a heavy, squat stick with a solid-looking piece of sharp stone tied to it, and hit him hard in the kidneys with his own stick on the upswing. Fifung doubled over, but collected him an elbow behind the ear on the way down. Gargar staggered forward against the other bloke, and the only thing keeping them from collapsing was each other.

   Uru copped a straight blow to the side of the head with the heavy axe swung by Hanghang, stumbled back and sagged down onto his knees. From there however he launched a well-aimed headbutt at Hanghang's knackers, which made the other bloke double over and fall halfway over Uru's left shoulder. Uru tried to stick a sharp stick into him, but Hanghang twisted away at the last minute, and planted his knee in Uru's face. Uru winced and spat out two teeth. Meanwhile Ashansha, taking off at lightning speed towards the middle of the circle where she had seen Shoonga being manhandled, or at least womanhandled, by the other women, tripped over Deer Man's foot, cunningly stuck out in front of her legs. She fell flat on her face and bit her tongue. The skirt of her animal skin rode up and exposed her buttocks. They were covered in mud and scratches. Deer Man grinned smugly.

   It was mayhem. Everywhere he looked there were bodies locked in fights, swinging clubs, hefting axes and stabbing pointy sticks. The air was thick with screams, shouts, and mutual abuse.

   He looked over his shoulder. Through the gap between the two boulders facing east the treetops were beginning to show a suspicious yellow tinge. It was time to get on with it. He took a couple of steps backwards, careful not to be tripping over Ashansha, crouched down on her knees, shaking her head groggily, and called out to the Tree Women over his shoulder.

   'Ulla! Ulla!'

   Ulla looked up from a basket she had just picked up. 'What?'

   'It's time! It's time now, Ulla! Get on with it!'

   'All right, all right!' she shouted back. 'Hold your water!'

   She dug her hands deeper into the basket, and withdrew The Knife. Its blade was long and slender, knapped ridges glinting sharp and dangerous in the dawn light, a central spine running the length of the green stone, from its business-like looking point back to the handle of wood that was lashed to it with leather thongs. A fleeting thought across her mind reminded her briefly and non-sequiturly that she had always fancied shaping some sort of undergarment from thongs like that, to try and keep some of the more serious scratches from her softer and more tender bits. She shrugged it off, and with her other hand drew something dark and brown from the basket. It seemed to drip.

   She turned to Shoonga, writhing and straining against her bonds on the stone, eyes wide open in silent panic now, watching Ulla and trying to squirm away. The ropes held.

   'Hhhhhnnnngggg! Hmmmmpppppphhhhrrrrrttttt!' she exclaimed eloquently.

   Ulla took a step closer and dangled both implements above Shoonga's head, eyeing her with an inscrutable expression on her face. She raised one eyebrow sardonically. Shoonga shuddered and doubled her efforts to get away. It didn't make any difference.

   Very slowly Ulla lifted up the knife above Shoonga's head.

   Above the treetops in the east yellow light spilled into the world, colouring the canopy of the forest gold. A curved yellow edge could be seen emerging from above the green horizon, very slowly rising up, and gaining height in the sky. The curved edge became longer. Shadows fell away from boulders in long dark lines. Dust motes danced in the morning light.

   In three steps Deer Man moved next to Ulla, and folded his hand around hers. Their hands fused and froze momentarily above Shoonga.

   The sunlight fell on Gargar's face, momentarily blinding him. Hanghang took advantage of the opportunity to kick him hard in the knackers, and, as he doubled over, to push him out of the way and jump past him. He started running towards the stone slab in the middle of the circle.

   The hands of Deer Man and Ulla now both closed over the slimy brown thing, and lifted it above Shoonga as well.

   Hanghang stopped dead. He wasn't going to make it. The rays of the sun landed on the top of his head, painting a ring of gold around it. Lice could be seen jumping away shyly out of the sudden limelight.

   Hanghang dropped to his knees.

   The joint hands of Deer Man and Ulla hung motionless above Shoonga, apparently savouring the moment.

   Hanghang clawed at the ground with his fingers. Manically he shoved them into the soil, digging and scraping, until they were buried up to the knuckles. Breathing heavily he started to recite something under his breath.

   'Eyuyri coneyuyri naha dahamoha ...' he intoned.

   Deer Man froze and turned his head.

   '... maherny marhosyor ...'

   Deer Man let go of Ulla's hands and turned towards Hanghang in slow motion.

   '... mohi naha gahi ...' Sweat beads were forming on Hanghang's brow.

   Deer Man lowered his head, the antlers on it now pointing towards Hanghang, on his knees with his hands buried in the ground.

   '... gahi buzuho iho ...' Hanghang's face was distorted, his mouth wide open.

   Deer Man dropped onto his knees and brought his hands to the ground.

   '   ca cuhu brahu mohi hom!' Hanghang shouted, his voice cracking.

   Around the clearing, heads turned away from opponents, fists froze in mid-air, clubs and axes stopped in mid-swing.

   Hanghang blinked once, slowly, then disappeared.

   A massive brown eagle stood where he had been sitting.

   The eagle turned its head towards the stone slab.

   It spread its wings. Its feathers caught the rays of the sun, which turned them reddish brown.

   The wings beat down powerfully, and the eagle rose into the air.

   A split second later a huge deer came charging through the spot where it had been, wide, powerful antlers raking close over the ground, gleaming sharp and lethal in the morning light.

   The eagle rose high into the air.

   All heads turned to follow its progress. The deer bellowed loudly and angrily, threw its head back, and shook its rack of antlers violently from side to side.

   The eagle flew into the sun.

   Its wings grew wider and wider and wider. They reached across the face of the sun, now fully above the treetops, Then they reached past it. The light of the sun was blocked. The sky changed colour. Red faded back into dark blue, running into black. A silver outline behind the wings of the eagle, the sun froze.

   The sun stood still.

   Every heart in the circle of boulders stopped beating for one breath.

   Then the sun started to move again. Slowly it dropped lower, towards the horizon where it had come from.

   In the circle the fighting stopped. All faces turned to the sun, setting in the east. Shouts and screams rose up.

   Ulla blinked and shook her head. Then she moved her hand. The knife lifted up and was brought into contact with the brown slimy thing, then lowered towards Shoonga, staring up at her wide-eyed, too stunned now to be able to resist anymore.

   Whoosh.

   A flutter of feathers. A draught of air. Powerful wings knocked the knife out of Ulla's hand. It fell point down towards Shoonga's chest, narrowly missed it, and wedged itself in her armpit. Small, fluffy, light brown downy feathers zigzagged downwards.

   The eagle landed in front of the deer, between it and the slab of stone now.

   Ulla stood motionless and stared, mouth wide open.

   The eagle shook its feathers out and fixed the deer with one mad eye.

   The deer rolled its antlers from side to side, bellowed again, and blinked. It stared at the eagle.

   'Right,' said the deer.

   'Yes,' said the eagle.

   'Well, that's us buggered then, isn't it.' The deer snorted.

   'Yeah mate.' The eagle nodded.

   'They're not gonna like that, are they,' said the deer, jerking his massive head over towards the assembled crowd of people, all thoughts of fighting gone from their minds. They stood open-mouthed and gaped. Fifung started crying. Absentmindedly Uru lifted up a hand and patted him on the back.

   'No, I don't think so either,' sniffed the eagle. It looked smug.

   Off to their side the sun continued to slowly go down. It was almost pitch-black dark now. It started to get cold.

   'So ...' the deer tilted his head sideways and gave the eagle a dirty look, 'how d'you do that then? Get the sun to go down again?'

   'I just asked nicely,' said the eagle, and smirked. 'It's amazing what you can get if you ask nicely.'

   'Yeah right.' The deer glared at the bird. 'And it just does that, like that? Pull the other one.'

   'Weeell ...' the eagle looked shifty.

   'Yes?'

   '... I've got something on it,' the eagle admitted. It twisted its neck and picked at its collar feathers nonchalantly.

   'You do? No kidding. Of course you do.' The deer clawed at the ground with one massive front hoof. 'Like what?'

   'Weeelll ...' the eagle hesitated.

   'Well what?'

  'I ... uh ... huhum ...' the eagle coughed embarrassedly. 'I ... uh ... I know where it's been. Sort of thing. Uhhum.' It inspected its claws. They were filthy.

   The deer fixed his eyes on him with disdain. 'Seriously? So does everyone else. It's been round the other side of the earth. What's so special about that. Everybody knows that.' It snorted derisively.

   'True, true ...' The eagle looked down grumpily. Then it lifted its head up with a glint in its eye. 'But the sun doesn't know that.'

   'It doesn't?' The deer was aghast.

   'No.' The eagle shook its head. It leaned forwards towards the deer conspiratorially. 'Between you and me,' the eagle looked over its shoulder surreptitiously at the crowd of people staring at them in mute disbelief, 'it's pretty stupid, the sun is.' It raised one aquiline eyebrow and winked.

   'Really?'

   'It is. Believe me.' The eagle nodded. 'Thick as two planks.'

   'Right.' The deer looked dubious. It turned its head sideways and idly scraped its side with the tip of its antlers. 'Well, if you say so.'

   'I do.'

  'Right, right.' The deer looked around. The crowd at the edge of the circle seemed to be getting restless. 'Anyway, where do we go from here now?'

   The eagle blinked. 'Well, you give us back Fat Shoonga.'

   'Is that her name?'

   'It is. Well, Shoonga anyway.' The eagle looked away and coughed. 'Huhum.'

   Behind them voices started to rise up in distress. The people started wailing and crying. Several voices complained about the cold. Hysteria began to creep into some of the cries.

   'Look,' said the deer hurriedly, 'we've gotta get on with this, or we'll have a great big shitfight on our hands.' It glared at the eagle meaningfully. 'So, here's the deal: we give you back your Fat Shoo ... Shoonga, and you make the sun come up again, and bring back the light.' It shuddered involuntarily. 'And the warmth.'

   The eagle nodded thoughtfully. 'Yes, that could work. But ...'

   'But what?' said the deer testily.

   'But what are we getting in return?' said the eagle. 'After all, yous mob started this.' It flapped its wings a bit for emphasis.

   'True, true, fair enough ...' The deer fell silent for a second. 'Tell you what, yous stay and we'll have a feed together.'

   The eagle looked at it sideways. 'What, the Grass People and the Tree People? No way. They hate each other.' It snorted haughtily. 'When hell freezes over.'

   'Yes, well, it just about is now, isn't it?' said the deer, and shivered. 'I mean, it's not real flash the way it is right now, is it? So,' it continued in a reasonable tone of voice, 'we'll put 'em all together and have a feed. Might even be able to have a bit of a dance after.' The deer peaked at Shoonga out of the corner of its eye, and considered the various options and possibilities.

   The eagle followed the deer's gaze, and carried it on a bit further till it reached Ulla, still with the brown dripping thing in her hand, high above Shoonga's head. 'Yes,' it admitted, and slowly inclined its head, 'you may have a point there.'

 

They shook wing and hoof. The eagle flew back into the sun. After a confusing moment where it felt to everyone gathered there that the world was being turned inside out, the blackness of the sky faded into dark blue, then red, then orange. The sun lifted itself from its downward trajectory, and started moving skywards again. It looked slightly sheepish, as though it suspected it had been had, but couldn't quite work out how. The cold went out of the air, and the warmth returned.

   The people inside of the circle let out a long, pent-up sigh of relief. Some of them, out of habit, started fighting again.

 

Much later there were people strewn haphazardly around a number of fires in various states of entertainment. The People Of The Grass had brought back some of their Grass Seed Water, which had gone down well with the People Of The Trees. Very well indeed, in fact, so much so that they displayed degrees of merriment not often seen before. Several of them were sleeping upside down with their heads on the ground and their arses in the air, others were jumping around enthusiastically, quite a lot of them with their hands on some of the Grass People's hands, arms, hips and other more exciting body parts. In return the People Of The Trees had brought out fresh meat, in large amounts, and a considerable number of the Grass People were sitting close to fires stuffing their faces with hunks of meat, blood dribbling down their chins and chests. A chorus of heavy-duty retching and throwing up could be heard from the bushes just outside the circle of boulders, where it mingled with the sounds of people given over to physical exertions of a more agitated, and, from the sounds of it, enjoyable kind.

   Hanghang reclined by the fire. He chewed languorously on a piece of red meat, and idly put his hand under Ulla's animal skin. She lifted it up a bit more, for greater ease of access.

   'So,' he began, 'that's all working out all right, isn't it.' He looked around with a satisfied expression on his face, which intensified somewhat as Ulla lifted up her animal skin covering more.

   Deer Man nodded, one hand on one of Shoonga's big breasts, and the other around a container of Grass Seed Water. 'Yes, it's not too shabby, ey.' He lifted up the container and drank deeply.

   'But,' said Hanghang, and frowned, 'there's just one thing I'm wondering about.'

   Deer Man smacked his lips, wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and belched loudly. Shoonga gave him an approving look and fluttered her eyelashes coquettishly. 'Yes, what is it?'

   'What exactly,' said Hanghang slowly, 'were you going to do to poor old Shoonga here, when she was lying on that slab?' He glanced at Shoonga. She glared back at him and pouted.

   'Oh, that. Yes. Well ...' Deer Man hesitated. 'You remember that bit of brown dripping stuff that Ulla had in her hand, with the knife in her other hand?'

   'I do,' said Hanghang, with a quick look to the side at Ulla, who pretended she hadn't heard it.

   'Well, that was a bit of fresh liver. We were going to cut it in pieces and feed it to her.'

   'What?' Hanghang sat more upright and looked at Deer Man with disbelief. 'Is that what it was?' Next to Deer Man Shoonga stared at him. 'Is that all it was?'

   Deer Man nodded agreeably. 'Yes, more or less. Why, what did you think?'

   Hanghang scratched his head and went red in the face. Ulla fixed him with an attentive stare. 'Uh ... well ... we thought maybe you were gonna kill her, you know, with that knife and all?'

   Deer Man shook his head and tutted. His antlers slipped sideways again. 'Nah, what would be the point in that? That would just be a waste.' He cast a quick look sideways at Shoonga, staring at him wide-eyed. 'A terrible waste,' he said. He pushed his antlers back up again.

   Hanghang stared at him. He opened his mouth as if to say something, then shut it again. He coughed. 'Huhum ... yes, right. Right.' He looked shiftily sideways at Ulla. She took the shoulder bit of her animal skin down a bit more, exposing her shoulder again. There were rather more scratches on it now, but noticeably less mud. 'And ... uh ... what about ... uh ... you know ...' He gestured at Shoonga, then made pumping forwards and backwards motions with his hips. 'What about that?'

   'Oh, that,' Deer Man answered casually, 'yes, well, of course, there would have been that too.' Next to him Shoonga looked gratified and relieved. 'But first we were going to feed her some liver.'

   'But why?' Hanghang was baffled.

   'Well, to ensure the continuing prosperity and fertility of the land ...'

   'Yes, of course,' Hanghang agreed.

   '... and to make sure the sun was going to come back and warm up the world again ...'

   'Yes, that goes without saying,' nodded Hanghang.

   '... but most of all ...' continued Deer Man.

   'Yes?...'

   'Because it's just good manners to wine and dine a chick first,' concluded Deer Man.

   'Ah.' Hanghang said.

   A companionable silence fell over the group. In the distance could be heard the shouts, singing and, alternatingly, moans of vomiting agony and cries of copulating ecstasy. Shoonga snuggled closer to Deer Man and wrapped his other hand around her other breast. Ulla dropped the animal skin off her other shoulder. It was covered in blueberry juice.

   'So ...' began Hanghang slowly, 'there's just one thing I don't understand?'

   'Yes?' replied Deer Man, a contented smile around his lips.

   'What's wine?'