Suburban Hygiene

Way back in the days of old, when people lived in mud
when the lice were crawling in their hair, their arms were caked with blood
the chickenshit between their toes stuck to their strawbag beds
they had one hand to wipe their arse and one to shake with folks they met

All their waste went out the door and floated down the street
where the mangy dogs would for the mutton bones and turds compete
the bathing of the body in a bath was thought unwise
and when the rats danced on the tables all the people fell like flies

Aching teeth were pulled out with a string tied to a rock
and the blokes who screwed around died of a black and rotten cock
all ailing limbs were treated with a hammer, saw and nails
and cut off, cauterised with tar and pitch when everything else failed

Now evolution progress is a many-splendoured thing
with its multitude of blessings and the benefits they bring
alerted to the risk and danger of airborne disease
now people wear a plastic bag around their heads in case they sneeze

Microscopic laser surgery will fix your nose
for the girls who want fantastic boobs there is a set of those
stainless steel and plastic boiled and rinsed ten times a day
contain no germs and will forever keep infection far away

Spotlessly immaculate and sterile living rooms
they will breed the seed of devastation, illness, death and doom
in absence of all threat to health you build up no resistance
therefore drink your morning piss each day with courage and persistence

Never mind the sand and dust that stain your fancy pants
‘cos it doesn’t really matter if you’ve got mud on your hands
a decent dose of dirt is guaranteed to give good luck
so go put on your Sunday best and roll like bushpigs in the muck

So all you people out there, stick your fingers up your nose
pull out your boogers, eat them, and then lick your fingers clean
of all the antibodies you could need you’ll get your dose
to protect you from yourself and your suburban hygiene