Cream



Last night I was quietly and earnestly editing an educational music video for the local Young Christians Against Life On Earth group, of which I am an active and passionate member, when my partner Fiona brought home a bottle of Bailey's.

I thanked her profusely, assuring her that she would live eternally in the here-after for invaluable services to humanity, and had a quiet glass of Irish cream.
She went to bed, I did a bit of editing, then got up and got myself another glass.
After a modest period of time I got up for another glass to sustain me in my toil for the promotion of Christian Values, such as Rent Extortion, Corporate Tax Avoidance and Disability Funding Axing.
Imagine my surprise when I got to the bottle, slightly unsteadily from all my hard but rewarding labour, and found the bottle to be empty. Gone. Finished.
Clearly a thief broke into our house while I was focussed on Spreading The Good Word through multi-media, and drained that bottle. Wait till I get them. I'm sure it's those new people from across the road. I saw them have sex the other day, and they're not married, may The Lord forgive them for their sins, after duly smiting them with hellfire, brimstone, lightning and eternal damnation, of course. And they were flouting their mortal sin in the eyes of innocent bystanders too, have they got no morals, I could almost see everything they were doing to each other from my spot in the tree outside their bedroom window. Have they no shame! They shall be judged on the Day Of Judgment and found wanting! Possibly found wanting more sex, the fiends!
However, inexplicably this morning when I went to drive to the surf I found my car going around in circles and zig-zagging. Must be something wrong with the steering. They have probably been sabotaged by those uncouth heathen young people that hang around the skate park all day. That's what you get when people don't work for a living! Send them off to the mines I say! A bit of tough love will bring them speedily onto the Straight And Narrow Path To Eternal Bliss And Salvation. Surely no one over the age of twelve should be allowed to remain unemployed, such a burden on our society of hard-working, god-fearing landlords, bankers and mining companies.
So, it looked like I might be missing out on my surfing session this morning, due to the strange malfunctioning of my car. Luckily my good friend and Christian Neighbour David came to the rescue, and gave me a ride, bless his kind heart, he will live for ever and his life will be so much better after he dies, especially since he will be donating his fortune to The Church.

And then he took lots of wonderful photographs which will be lovingly and neighbourly shared and made available to all god-fearing citizens for a small but intensely exorbitant fee which will be well looked after by the virtuous god-loving people of the Virgin Islands.

Blessed Be.

Ahmehehenn.


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